Depression. Apparently this disease not only robs you of your limbs, and abilities but comes in and steals your joie de vivre, joy of everything, joy of life. I find myself sinking in the deep darkness of depression, I've been here before I know what it looks like, but this time it is because I fail to have a purpose, a reason to leave the rack in the morning. I have lost my joy of living. How joyful can living be when your limb ache from your toes to your hip. How joyful is it to put on the mask to pretend to be happy.
Is it wrong to want people to tell you that you look better, so you can make yourself believe that you are getting better, when you won't not really because there is no cure for your illness, your sickness, your disease....
And then I push everyone away, cloister into my house, cocoon myself in, and I will emerge the beautiful butterfly eventually, the happy go lucky girl I am suppose to be, expected to, the one that stick s with it, and doesn't let anything get her down...but she must wait, it's not her turn yet.
I still struggle to understand what this disease means to the rest of my life.....I'm trying to deal.
Hi Suzie
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog while searching for RSD blogs and I'm glad I found you. I'm Kate, I'm 31 and have had RSD since I was 23. My blog address is www.thesixofus.wordpress.com
I know exactly how you're feeling right now. When we are "ok" we're only just keeping our heads above water and everyday is such a fight, and there's only so many days in a row you can do that before you just can't anymore. Every few months I sink into a deep depression, and I'm going on 9 years with this bugger of a condition!
I've accepted that this is my life now, but I'm not happy about it. And its the constant struggle just to do the basic stuff that gets so darn hard. But I've learned that it's important for me to have those dark days. It's ok to feel what I'm feeling and think that it all sucks. I don't want anyone over, I don't answer the phone, I don't even blog. I retreat into myself and just not fight for a while. But I can't stay there for long. After a couple of weeks my head just says "That's it, this isn't helping and I'm a b*tch to be around" and then I start trying to pick myself up again. I kind of muster up the strength to start fighting again and to see the good things I have that are worth fighting for. I don't let myself look too far ahead as that's not helpful and there's no way of knowing what I'll be like next year, I just focus on each day and get through it minute by minute.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel and its ok to feel that- we're human, not superheroes, and sometimes this really does suck! Take care and I hope you can gain the strength to climb out of that hole soon. xx